2016 Anti-Predictions for Analytics

Original article:

2016 is here, n’ wit it comes tha traditionizzle barrage of prophecies fo’ tha year ahead. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Year afta year, our crazy asses hear leadaz up in tha tech industry make predictions fo’ what’s ta come, all wit a uncanny alignment between each vendor’s predictions n’ they marketin pitch.

When our marketin crew axed mah crazy ass what tha fuck mah predictions fo’ tha BI industry might be, I thought it would be funk ta un-hype tha hype wit some “anti-predictions.” So here’s mah list, lookin all up in mah shiny crystal ball:
1. Big data aint gonna be big-ass afta all

Da term big-ass data will soon be history, n’ dis year officially marks its dirtnap. Gartner has removed Big Data as a theme from its hype cycle reports fo’ realz. At tha same time, Big Data projects aren’t gettin any mo’ betta n’ shit. Gartner Predicts 2015 reported dat failure rates can be as high as 60% fo’ some big-ass data projects; yet another reason big-ass data aint livin up ta its name.
2. Yo ass won’t hire enough data analysts or data scientists

Da reportin backlog is only goin ta grow fo’ g-units dat rely on elite crewz of BI analysts, n’ you can put dat on yo’ toast. McKinsey predicts dat by 2018 there is ghon be a gangbangin’ finger-lickin’ dirty-ass shortage of 1.5M data smart-ass muthafuckas, n’ a recent TDWI survey found dat tha average bidnizz user is waitin 3-4 minutes just ta git a report updated. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type’a shiznit happens all tha time. In fact, Gartner say dat tha number of playa hater data scientists, aka non technical folks whoz ass wanna experiment on they own wit data, will grow five times fasta than tha number of expert data scientists, n’ you can put dat on yo’ toast. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So expect dat backlog ta keep growing.
3. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Search aint gonna become tha standard fo’ enterprise analytics

While we at ThoughtSpot n’ all dem other vendors (Microsizzlez PowerBI, IBM Watson) is bettin da barn on search bein tha technologizzle dat will eventually make data truly accessible, our phat asses don’t be thinkin 2016 is tha year it catches fire up in tha enterprise. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sure, mo’ vendors will add a search box ta they solutions over time, most hustlas still don’t believe search can fix they BI problems. Boy it’s gettin hot, yes indeed it is. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Search-based BI has been up in rap battlez fo’ at least a thugged-out decade yo, but no vendor has been able ta make it work. Vendors dat is bettin on search need ta overcome muthafuckin yearz of accumulated disbelief before search is ghon be adopted widely fo’ data analytics.
4. BI adoption won’t climb above 25%

Accordin ta tha annual BI Scorecard survey, only 22% of hommies straight-up use BI tools. Thatz cuz despite all tha hype round self-service BI, these tools still require data smart-ass muthafuckas ta act as tha middleman between data n’ tha average bidnizz user n’ shit. Da result is dat shizzle keep gettin mo’ technical n’ adoption rates remain low.
5 fo’ realz. All yo’ data won’t move ta tha cloud

Despite tha proliferation of cloud skillz, there is still roughly 99 cement of data chillin on premise todizzle. It make me wanna hollar playa! For analysis across enterprise data sources, it’s easier ta pull down tha lil’ small-ass fraction of data from tha cloud than it is ta pull all on-premise data tha fuck into tha cloud. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! If dat don’t convince you, consider yo’ WAN bandwidth: WAN bandwidth continues ta be looted n’ sold up in megabits, while data volumes is approachin petabytes. Movin dis amount of data ta tha cloud aint practical, let ridin’ solo secure.
6. Prettier visualizations won’t make smarta decisions

Yo crazy-ass charts n’ images is only as phat as tha data underneath dem n’ tha decisions playas make cuz of dem wild-ass muthafuckas. While they may look phat n’ answer yo’ first answer, how tha fuck do you answer tha follow-up thangs, biatch? Many traditionizzle BI tools nail tha visualization piece of tha puzzle yo, but fail ta guide tha average, non-technical user ta meaningful lyrics.
7 fo’ realz. A.I. won’t loot yo’ thang

There’s been a shitload of rap bout tha disappearizzle of humans up in tha workplace wit Elon Musk, Stephen Hawkin n’ others frontin dat computas will eventually overpower humans. But don’t expect a machine takeover any time soon. I aint talkin’ bout chicken n’ gravy biatch fo’ realz. Accordin ta Forrester, only 9 mazillion thangs is straight-up at risk of bein replaced by machines over tha next 10 years. That’s only 6% of all US thangs fo’ realz. A playa vs. machine Armageddon aint on tha cardz fo’ 2016. Not fo’ bidnizz analytics, anyway.
8. Cognitizzle computin won’t materialize beyond a science project

While tha technologizzle behind Watson n’ other efforts is dunkadelic fo’ suggestin horny-ass chicken recipes, it aint anywhere close ta bein locked n loaded fo’ crunchin numbers fo’ bidnizz playas up in a trustworthy manner n’ shit. Da problem wit such approaches be accuracy, or tha lack thereof. Would you make financial decisions based on a analysis dat read, “There be a 30% chizzle dat suppliers from Japan is tha freshest contributors ta yo’ costs”, biatch? Or one dat holla’d, “There’s a 50% chizzle dat you sold 3 mazillion dollars worth of Nike’s up in California last quarter”, biatch? Us dudes didn’t be thinkin so. It’s not dat useful.

Only time will tell whether any of these predictions hold weight. Yet it’s blingin, either way, ta question tha buzz n’ hold ourselves accountable. We need ta peep tha facts n’ trendz dat exist beyond our marketin pitches n’ thang roadmaps, even if they don’t always align (for now).

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *